School of Life

The First Day of School

2013 - 2014

  

   What an exciting day!!!  My kiddos have seriously been waiting for school to FINALLY start up again.  For me personally, that kind of an attitude is a HUGE victory!  I can't help but think back to ALL the years my kids struggled to go to school.  Tears, tantrums, cases of the "Bad Attitudes" and other memories that I don't wish to ever repeat.  But . . . with all of those hardships came some of the sweetest blessings.  

    First of all, I wouldn't be feeling SO GRATEFUL or SO PROUD of my kids today, IF we had never experienced those difficult and trying times.  Second, I wouldn't be the woman and mother that I am today.  I look back to those early years with E and remember how scared I was, how confused and utterly lost I felt, and how hopeless things looked.  Now, 10 years later, I can hold my head up high and praise my Father in Heaven for not only helping us get to where we are today, but THANK HIM for the WONDERFUL opportunities that came our way to learn, grown and connect with Him on a deeper, more personal level.

   Only through trials do we more easily fall to our knees!  If nothing else, my kiddos and I were taught that prayer MATTERS!  That hope is alive and well.  And that ANYTHING is possible! I am so proud to be a mother and to be the mother of 4 incredible, talented and beautiful children (inside and out), that Heavenly Father has created.  I am one blessed and happy mama!

   This year, school started a tad bit early.   August 21st to be exact.  It was fun for the kids to not have to wait too long for school to start, but it sure did make wrapping up our Summer pretty tough.  Between scout camps, family reunions, visits from friends from Texas (Scott's and Barrett's), band camp, family vacation to Mount Rushmore and everything in between - we just felt like summer flew by in a hurry!  Poor Paul felt it the worst.  He never quite had a break.  Between fixing my dad's RV trailer, business trips, scout camp and the family reunion; he just never seemed to have any time to just relax.  So . . . we are doing that now.  Yes, after school has started!

   But I digress, we are here to talk about the First Day of School . . . and here it is!  E was the first to take on the brand new school year.  He was super about getting up, dressed, lunch made, breakfast  made and scriptures read . . . all before I even woke up.  (Again, summer was rough and it sure was difficult to embrace an early school schedule again).  I was so tickled to see how excited he was to get to school!

Of course pictures were a bit of a nuisance, but that is the prerogative of any parent!  

A first day of school picture is a MUST!  Aren't I right?

   Because I had volunteered to help with the Back to School Dinner for the teachers and staff, I actually had to get to the elementary school pretty early on the First Day of School.  But K and G didn't seem to mind.  They were actually pretty excited to just get that first moment over with.  So . . . we got to school before the sun had even really come up.  (that is why the picture is so dark)

   My all day elementary kiddos!

   G was SO excited!  K too, but more to see her friends.  G just wanted to get to his desk (first one ever) and get right to work.  This year, both K and G have teachers with the same last name.  We thought that was pretty cool and made it a fun way to start a new year.

   I took the kiddos into the teacher's lounge, while I washed ALL the dishes from the dinner the night before, but K just couldn't wait.  She yelled, "Bye Mom!" and off she went.  (sniff, sniff)  G just paced back and forth.  He couldn't stand the excitement of FINALLY being in the first grade.  I washed as fast as I could, but we were so early, there really wasn't any reason to go any faster.  But G couldn't stand it.  So, finally, I finished up the best I could and put him out of his misery.  That walk to his First Grade door was the longest walk I have ever made with G.  I realized in that moment that he would NEVER be home with me again.  His todder, preschool years were officially over.  He was now in the hands of "strangers" to mold and hopefully develop him into the young man I know he can be.  I love that little boy!  From the moment he was born, he has been a joy to us.  I just pray others will see that same joy in him and will embrace it and not let any harm come to his gift to love freely.

 

 G's classroom is decorated like a jungle Australian/African Safari.  He chose the Tiger Table at the very back of the room.  He also chose to sit by his best friend from Kindergarten.

   Well, after a tender hearted good-bye, from me of course (G was too busy getting to work), I strolled down the long hall towards the front doors of the school.  Then it hit me . . . what about K!?!?  Just because she said, "Bye Mom!", doesn't mean I can't go see her too?  So . . . I DID!!  I walked down another long hall to K's classroom.  I walked in the doorway and asked the teacher if I could just talk to K a minute.  She is a brand new teacher at Oakridge (actually a sister to one of my neighbors/walking friends).  She said it was okay, so I snuck in and snapped a picture of her at her desk.

 K sitting next to a new friend named after a famous city.  K insisted on doing her own hair the first week of school.  She did allow me to help tie ribbons in her hair.  I took this picture for her to see if she approved of them.  She did.  And the last photo is added because this is all she would let me take of her around the first day of school.  So, this is K enjoying bacon for the first time - CRISPY!  She has had a hard time eating bacon since she was little, too fatty.  But burning the bacon seemed to solve that problem. 
Boy is she growing up fast!

   Luckily K was pretty cool about me taking her picture (thank heavens!).  But before I left, I reminded her that it was her responsibility to watch over G, just as E had watched over her.  She said, in her "you're bugging me mom voice",  "I KNOW MOM!"  And that was that.  My cue to leave was given.  Ouch!  Boy is parenting tough some days.  Instead of giving her my "you're in big trouble face", I chose to smile and just let her attitude toward me go.  I realized that she was just trying to be her and didn't need a parent around to do that.  So, I grabbed the only hand I had left to hold, L's, and we made the long walk down the empty hall to the front doors of the school.  (sniff, sniff)

   We had only been away from the school a few minutes when L started to speak up and tell me ALL about the day she had planned for us.  WHAT?!?!?  Uh oh, I'm in BIG TROUBLE!  I did try to comply with what she wanted to do, but after playing Barbies, reading stories and her insisting we play "Mommy and Baby" (where I play the mommy and she pretends to be my baby.  Why are we pretending to play this game again?  I believe we already are doing this in real life, so why do we need to pretend?) . . . and then an answer to a prayer came.  A friend called and invited us to the Duck Park.  YIPPEE!!  I've been saved!

This is Swan Lake Barbie, in her wedding dress, dancing with her new hubby, Troy Bolton from High School Musical.  The best part about Troy is that on HIS wedding day, he felt that a Pizza Hut shirt with patched wool pants would make their day extra special.  I love this kid!

  I had no idea how HARD it was going to be with L, now that her siblings and also her best friend were in school.  L being home alone was, well to put it kindly, torture.  She was SO BORED, and SO EMOTIONAL.  She insisted I play with her just to spare her from having to play by herself.  It was the LONGEST 2 weeks of my life with her.  I felt so awful for her. I would play here and there with her, but I also felt strongly that she needed to learn to play by herself.  It was a tough lesson for both of us, but she was brave and worked through it.  Fortunately L's best friend didn't start school until a week later, so we were able to sneak in one more play date at the Fort Union Splash Park.  It was a magical day for both of us!

L's swimming suit for the summer (a rash guard body suit with a Dora the Explorer swimsuit on top.)

   After a fun Labor Day weekend of: cleaning the church building, going to see Epic at the dollar movie theater (with popcorn and a drink), a much needed nap for mom (while everyone else watched t.v. with Paul - ya, I know, not like him but even Paul needs a break once in awhile), Fast Sunday - that wasn't too fast (look for the funny down below from G), Paul making dinner for the second night in a row (company pork chops), a Monday morning trip to the Zoo with Grandma and Grandpa Whitchurch to see the Lego throughout the zoo (as well as the animals), with lunch at their house and a fun visit (until 4) and then Uncle Jeff and Aunt Rachel and their two kiddos over for homemade pizzas and ice cream for dinner . . . it was FINALLY the night before L got to go to preschool!  And boy was she excited!!

   She couldn't believe she had FINALLY made it to preschool.  She has waited for this day as long as she can remember (for a kid, that is a LONG time!)  She told me she was a bit scared but she wasn't going to let that stop her.  She was so sweet and "let" me take her picture several times (she is our kid that if she doesn't want her picture taken, you CAN'T make her!)  We got her all settled and checked in and mom was on her way.  (no sniff, sniff . . . until I got home and looked at Facebook.)

   I was so proud of myself.  I told myself, "LOOK!  You are doing it!  You CAN do this!  L and the other kids going to school is just part of life.  There is nothing to cry about or be sad about.  This is the cycle of life.  You are SUPPOSED to be doing this.  So be cool and let it just be this way."  So instead of feeling sad, I decided to send my mom a post on Facebook to show her L's first day of school.  

   All was fine UNTIL . . . . I saw Paul's brother's post that his oldest son was off on his mission.  They shared a photo they had taken at the airport, as they were saying their good-byes.  Everyone was smiling but each had a look on their face like, "We HAVE to let him go!  We have too!!"  Even the oldest son had that look as well.  That was it!  I BURST into tears.  I couldn't hold them back.  I looked at the picture again, through tear-filled eyes, and noticed the way the oldest son and his mother had their heads tilted toward each other.  Almost a last moment to touch the child you held, cuddled, rocked to sleep, tried tears for, bandaged scrapes for, encouraged, motivated, scolded, prayed for, loved unconditionally for SO MANY YEARS and now he is going, going far away where you can't be that for him physically anymore. My heart just filled with tears and I had to let them pour out.

  It hit me then, how fast this time with our kids truly goes by.  I can still remember bringing each of my children home for the first time - ALL 5 of them!  I can still feel the softness of their skin, the grip of their tiny hands around my humongous finger, the way they squealed when I walked into the room.  And now look at them, all growing up and learning more each day, and most importantly, how to live without needing me so closely involved in their lives.  

   Now, don't get me wrong, I KNOW I am still needed and will be for eternity.  But there will never be a moment quite like this again.  Never will I be the ONLY thing they need.  It makes me think of Heavenly Father and how stubborn we are to push Him away and "SHOW" Him that we can do it all on our own.  But, no matter how hard we try, we just can't seem to be as happy, or as confident, or as successful without His love and support.  So, I have faith.  Even though my children are growing up, right before my eyes, I know they will still need me as long as they live and that helps me know that what is happening is just fine.  (As long as I can finish this blog post without completely ruining my make-up).

  I can't help but be happy that I am doing the job / calling I feel I was sent here to do.  I know that today, women are striving to have it all, to be it all and to do MORE than be "just a mom!"  But from what I have learned, in my 36+ years on this earth, being a mom truly is a gift, something to be treasured.  I am SO GRATEFUL I am actually learning to treasure this time with my kids, instead of wishing it away or hurrying it up faster.  Because before I know it  . . . THIS BOY will be gone and doing what he was sent here to do and I will be that mom, at the airport of life, tilting my head towards his, grasping at one last touch, one last moment to call him my baby and then let him fly.  Boy is being a mom not for the faint of heart!!!

*  So, I can't end with just tears.  I MUST leave you with a funny from our Joy Boy, G!  *

Last Sunday was Fast Sunday in our church (one Sunday a month that members of our church set aside to fast for two meals.  We then take the money we would have spent on those two meals, and for some we donate much more, and donate it to our church to be given to those who need it.  That is why we call it Fast Sunday.  It is one of my favorite days of  the month.  But for a small boy . . .well, I'll let him tell you what he thinks of this day.)

  "Me and the three youngest kiddos were sitting on a chapel pew, listening to the speakers.  Church had been going on for quite awhile but we still had about 25 minutes left of the meeting.  G was having a hard time.  Even though he was busily coloring, he just couldn't seem to sit still and he seemed to fidget quite a bit, even while he was coloring.  I was worried how long he was going to actually be able to stay busy, when all of a sudden he asked:

G:  "Mom, is today Fast Sunday?"  

Me:  "Why yes G, it is?!"

G sits there for a minute, starts to fidget and looks around the chapel.  Then with a big SIGH he states:

"Well, it SURE isn't GOING VERY FAST!"

I started to laugh but realized that the person speaking was actually crying at this point, so I stopped myself immediately and leaned over to G and said, "We'll talk about this later, because that isn't what Fast means for Fast Sunday."  

He just looked at me, almost bored to tears, but fortunately he went back to coloring.  Poor kid.

  ~  Have a great day!

Homemade Instant Oatmeal

      
 

 I LOVE to make food from scratch.  I still remember the first time I heard the term "from scratch."  I was a newlywed and was visiting with my mother-in-law in her kitchen one afternoon.  Her two youngest daughters were also in the kitchen, making a cake.  I was so excited to be there because I thought I could help. (I was still trying to prove to my in-laws that their son had married a good catch.  And making cakes was my thing!)  I was watching the girls, waiting for them to grab a box of cake mix from the cupboard, but they never did.  Instead it looked as if they were making cookies?  

I asked, "Aren't you making a cake?"  My mother-in-law said, "Yes, but they are making it from scratch."  WHAT?!?  I honestly didn't know what that meant.  I was 19 years old and had never heard that term.  Fortunately my new and very cute husband came into the room just in time to tell me what "from scratch" meant.  I was honestly SHOCKED that I could actually make something myself, that I normally bought at the store.  And all I needed was a basic stock of ingredients and wala, you can make almost anything!

Since that day, almost 17 years ago, I have had a passion to learn HOW to cook and FROM SCRATCH.  I have enjoyed making all sorts of food.  First desserts, then casseroles, then sweet breads, then yeast breads, then onto well balanced meals, stews, soups, food storage meal planning and now onto replacing processed foods for my own homemade foods.  Who knew you could learn to make SO MANY DIFFERENT things and all from the convenience of your own home?

 I also LOVE that I have control over what my family is eating.  I KNOW what is in everything we eat.  We love eating whole foods and storing foods that can be used to make things we eat every day.  What a fun way to live!

So today, I decided to share my latest creation . . . Instant Oatmeal Jars.

 

 Why jars?  Well, last week I made homemade granola and put it in a jar as a gift.  It was so well received and so easy to store (plus I have a MILLION jars in my basement just sitting around, doing nothing) that I thought this would be a fun and easy way to store oatmeal.  Besides . . . I can't stand using plastic baggies.  We use them WAY TO OFTEN and I don't like that they just end up in the recycling bin.  

By using a cute jar and an easy to use lid, you can make oatmeal just ask quickly as tearing into a paper packet from the store.  This recipe is SO EASY to create and it makes enough to fill two mason jars.  That is 24 individual servings = about 5 - 6 weeks worth of oatmeal in my home!  

I got the basic recipe from this website One Good Thing by Jillee.  She was the one who shared with me the secret to making the creamy oatmeal you are used to in instant packets.  

Do you want to know what the secret is . . . 

blend a portion of the the oatmeal in your blender.  

Yep!  That's right.  And it is SO EASY to do!

 

 I also LOVE the powdered milk added to this recipe.  You can substitute the powdered milk for creamer or just omit it and use milk from your fridge instead of water.  But it is up to you!  You can make this as easy or as complex as you want.  I just happened to have powdered milk on hand, so it was a great use of my food storage.  I also love how easy this breakfast is for my older children to make for themselves. 

We don't like our oatmeal as sweet as the stores make it and when I tasted Jillee's recipe I found it too sweet and too salty as well.  So I changed our recipe to 3/4 cup sugar instead of 1 cup and I also lowered the salt to 3/4 teaspoon. After you have a few dishes of this creamy oatmeal, you can decide what your family would like more or less of as well.  Cooking is so much fun!

Another change I made was to half her recipe.  First of all it was all the oatmeal I had on hand but I also felt that a smaller batch would be a great trial run for my family.  I really don't like wasting food.  I can't tell you how many recipes I have made and made too much of, only to have my family dislike it for some reason or another.  If it turns out that my family doesn't like this recipe, at least I can alter it to their taste for the time being and then make adjustments with the next batch. (Add sprinkle of salt if too sweet.  Add sugar if too salty or not sweet enough.  If still too sweet or salty, I am going to add more plain oats to mild it down.)  

The last change I made came when I made a 1/2 cup oatmeal for my littlest one.  She only ate half of it.  So I decided to just half the serving size all together.  If the kids want more, they can always double the serving size.  (A great mommy trick to encouraging the development of their math skills!!)

 

As you can see, the recipe is VERY simple and all it takes is a mixing bowl, spoon and your blender.  I made this mix and heated up a bowl of it, all before my littlest asked where her breakfast was. 

(Yes, she is that bossy!)  So there you go, instant oatmeal in a jar.  And it looks SO CUTE on your pantry shelf too!

(of course I took that huge bow off, let's be practical now - wink, wink.)

My Secret!

Wow!  It has been a long time.  So long I am feeling emotional just being here, typing.  My thoughts are rushing with "Where to begin?" and I can't help but feel I MUST keep this simple.  I have learned a lot of patience the last few months.  I have learned to also NOT say EVERYTHING that is on my mind and keep it, hold it, save it for a better time, a better moment.  And this is what I hope to accomplish tonight. With SO MUCH floating in my mind, wanting to get out, I pick and choose just one thought, just one moment to share and pray it is the one that needed to be picked.

The last few months I have found myself "being bored."  LOL.  Why LOL?  Well, because my father used to tease me as a child about ALWAYS saying, "I'm Bored!"  But even though I was bored. . . I really wasn't.  I just didn't FEEL like I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.  Instead I felt like my choices were being made for me and I didn't know what to do with them.  I didn't know how to just live.  So, I felt bored.  Really BORED!

I suppose over all these years the feeling of "being bored" has translated to "What should I be doing?"  or "What was I sent here to do?"  I have asked myself this question SO MANY TIMES that I can not count that high without becoming BORED.

I have a secret.  A really personal, deep, hopeful secret.  Really it is a dream, but one I believe will come true.  But I can't tell you how scared I am it will.  WHAT?!?  Yes, it is true.  I am scared in the very deepest parts of my heart and soul that my secret, my dream for myself, will be the ruin of those I love the very most.  That I will become the CAUSE of their misery, their misfortune, their negative emotional punching bag, their demise.  So . . . how do I dream with those feelings in my soul?

I don't know.  I honestly DON'T understand.  I am too scared to let go of the feelings and let my secret come out and become REAL.  Because I can't bear the thought that if my dream comes out, then the ones I love the most will naturally want to HELP ME make this dream come true.  Then they will become accomplices to their demise.  How can I do this to them?  How can I be so selfish, so heartless as to put myself above them, their needs, their desires, their purposes on this earth?

How can I?

So . . . I write.  I write as a way to help my heart, mind, desires, hopes, dreams, and most of all, my purpose on this earth KNOW why I am holding back? Why I am so scare to move forward without knowing that the ones I LOVE THE MOST will not be harmed by this secret, this dream I am secretly praying will happen, will be fulfilled.

Now, you are probably DYING to know what this secret or dream of mine is.  Well . . . I can't tell you, not yet at least.  I can't tell you because by doing so, it allows the secret to be free.  Free from the safety and confines of my heart.  But also free to become real.  I can't handle REAL at this moment.  But I can handle "thinking" about it.

To be honest, I catch myself "thinking" about it all the time.  Some days it FEELS SO REAL that I truly believe it is coming true.  I feel it deep -  DEEP in my bones.  DEEP into the very structure of my cells.  So deep at times I feel it is what allows me to breath most days.  I can only imagine what this dream would do to me and for me if it were to happen.  But there is so much at stake that I can't handle the thoughts of what consequences are waiting for me and the ones I love the most. I suppose the negative consequences that could happen IF this dream did become real. I suppose that is why I am writing.  I am trying to find a way to expose those negative consequences, those FEARS and see - REALLY SEE - if they are real or would really be my fault if they were to come true. 

I suppose my greatest fear of them ALL, would be the death or wasted life of a loved one. 

I don't know, but many of you who even read this little blog already know of the death of our first daughter, Kayleigh.  But she wasn't my first tragedy with death.  I also lost a sister, my little sister, Ashley.  She was 13 at the time and I was barely 19.  I was just beginning to ask life's BIGGEST questions - "Who am I?", "Where did I come from?", and "Why am I here?"  I had been fortunate to receive two very good friends who were down to earth enough to tell me what they thought but give me the freedom and space to find out what I believed on my own. 

Fortunately I was CHALLENGED to read a book.  A book I have known about, owned and even carried with me on special occasions throughout my life.  But it was also a book that I NEVER personally read, to even find out for myself if I believed it was true. 

Now, you must know a couple things about me.  First, I have ALWAYS struggled in school.  Reading was one of the most difficult things for me to do.  In Junior High and High School, I thought I was going to die when I was FORCED to read William Shakespeare.  I could barely understand the text books from school.  How could I honestly come to understand a foreign language that happened to be written in English?  I had NO CLUE but thankfully, with the help of cliff notes, conversations with classmates and friends, and movies, I got through Shakespeare and came to love the use of language.  But that didn't mean I understood how to write it or even speak it at times.

Words just seemed to come at me faster than I could speak them.  I had SO MANY WORDS floating in my mind that I would talk as fast as I could to just get them ALL OUT of my head at once.  Many, MANY times, people would comment on how fast I spoke, or how I had "diarrhea" mouth, or even joke "Don't get stuck talking to Wendi.  She'll talk your ear off!"

Sure, it hurt.  It actually hurt a lot!  But this is the irony.  People would complain when I didn't speak with them that way.  They would keep digging, pushing me to open up and share.  Eventually I would and they would get their fill but then I would be left feeling frustrated and unsure about myself.  How could they LOVE to talk with me and be around me but in the same breath make negative, hurtful comments on the very thing they desired from me the most?  Go figure!

Anyway!  Back to the reading.  Even though I figured out HOW to read Shakespeare, I didn't crave reading books that I didn't EASILY understand.  So . . . I avoided ANY books that even sounded like they could be over my head.  I only read books in school that I "had to" read but never really craved reading as a way to pass time.  So when the challenge came to read this book, The Book of Mormon, I thought, "HOLY COW!  I could barely get through Shakespeare!  How am I going to read THIS BOOK?"  But, being the stubborn, competitive person that I am - I TOOK THE CHALLENGE.

And even though the reading was difficult at first, so difficult I wanted to throw the book across the room at times because I didn't know what it was saying . . . I came to LOVE that book!  I loved it SO MUCH that I felt, TRULY FELT it was what I had been looking for, waiting for my whole life.  I actually, HONESTLY felt WHOLE because of that book!  Reading that book, a little bit every day became a wonderful feeling for me.  So many of my questions were being answered and in such a way that they produced feelings of love, openness, forgiveness, hopefulness and joy.  I wanted this feeling, this purpose to be with me the rest of my life.  I finally felt that I had a path, a direction to go in my life and I KNEW that I was supposed to be on this earth and had SO MUCH to offer it.

Then . . . my sister died.

Funny thing happened though.  I was at COMPLETE and utter PEACE.  I sat still, watching those that loved and cherished Ashley . . . fall apart.  I understood why they were and why they were feeling that way but I didn't understand WHY they didn't want more?  Why didn't they also want peace?  Why didn't they want what I had?

Well . . . you can call that immaturity or you can call that being naive.  But I call it FEAR.  I SAW so MANY that I love give into that fear and STOP living a part of their lives as "payment" for the death of my sister.  I saw an entire neighborhood change the way they interacted with my family, just because my sister had died, not because we earned it or because they desired that change naturally.   We instantly became pitied for our misfortune and felt SO MANY distance themselves from us for protection's sake or just out of plain FEAR.  "What if what happened to them could rub off onto me?"  Well, they weren't willing to take that risk.  So we lost many of our dearest friends to this tragedy.  Which naturally caused LIFE to CHANGE for us.

We didn't hang out with the same people, speak the same, laugh the same or even think the same.  Ashley's death changed the way we believed.  Some for the better, myself included, but MANY for the worse.  Fortunately this experience prepared me for what I was to endure in losing my own daughter.  By losing Kayleigh, I saw what my parents and loved ones feared . . . "DID I CAUSE THIS?"  "WAS THIS MY FAULT?"  Fortunately, I chose to FACE that fear because I KNEW it wasn't my parent's fault that Ashley died - it was simply her time to go home.  We don't get to choose when or where or how they leave us BUT we do get to celebrate that we knew them, remember the days we had with them and then look forward to seeing them again.  So . . . I KNEW I had to face this fear of "WHAT IF" and nip it in the bud!"

Needless to say, 14 years later, I have been nipping it in the bud and I am sure that Kayleigh's life on this earth was a gift and a blessing for my husband and myself and that I only got to be a part of it.  Her death wasn't an attack on me or my husband.  We wanted her!  We ALWAYS wanted her!  But it wasn't meant to be.  Kayleigh was only meant to be here on this earth for a little while AND she needed two parents to make that happen for her AND . . . WE DID!  We did our part!  We loved her, we cared for her, we dreamed with her, we made every moment of her life the very BEST it could be.  And in the end of her earthly life, we did the ONLY and LAST THING we could do for her as her parents. . . WE LET HER GO HOME! 

It was the hardest day of my life but also the most joyous.  Because I KNOW that I made the RIGHT CHOICE and she KNOWS that I CHOSE THAT CHOICE.  I wasn't forced, I wasn't guilt-ed into it, I wasn't denied the choice.  I KNEW what I was doing and I KNEW what needed to be done.  And as MUCH as it hurt me and took ALL my dreams with Kayleigh with her, I chose to let her go.  And I KNOW she thanks me for that choice every day of my life.

But now what?  I made that tough choice and Kayleigh died.  Do I laugh again, do I smile?  Heaven forbid, do I live my life WITHOUT Kayleigh?  The answer is simply . . . YES! 

Now, don't get me wrong, this decision to LIVE LIFE isn't happening over night.  To be honest with you, I am STILL fighting this decision.  It has honestly come in stages and that is why I am struggling so much with "my secret."  It is probably one of the last stages I must go through to TRULY let Kayleigh and her death go . . . and I am afraid!

Why?  I guess deep down inside I feel that if I don't have this fear, this dread, this anxiety with me - that in many ways I will be FINALLY letting go of the last pieces I have of Kayleigh.  What I don't understand yet is that those fears, those worries, those pains of doubt are NOT Kayleigh.  Those are only damns to keep me from living my life, the life that I know I am capable of living, DEEP DOWN INSIDE.  A life without FEAR, to truly LOVE my children and to truly LET my husband love me.  I suppose a life that allows me to be LOVED. 

Just the thought of being loved is too much for me.  Love = Pain in my heart.  How much you love someone or something = the amount you will be hurt when it is gone.  But . . . to love a stranger or acquaintance is harmless because they were not or are not a "part" of my life.  So loving them has become an easy, comfortable, safe way to share the love I hold so deep inside and allow it to be free.  But those strangers/acquaintances aren't the ones who NEED my love.  My family does!

I KNOW I do this because of a recent birthday gift I gave to someone in my ward/neighborhood.  Now, this person isn't a stranger BUT she isn't someone I tell my deepest thoughts or feelings to, a.k.a. = a best friend.  I simply adore her and have watched her grow in leaps and bounds over the last 6 years we have lived in this "place" (that is a story for another day).  Anyway, what this woman offered me was success, peace, a reason for being here.  Not because I had ANYTHING to do with her success but because I was blessed to watch it happen.  I have felt SO GRATEFUL for this gift that I wanted to acknowledge it. 

So, for her birthday, I felt prompted to do something for her.  But just a card or simple gift wouldn't do.  I NEEDED to share my love and I suppose I chose HER to accomplish that task.  Instead of giving this overwhelming love, I was feeling needed to be set free, to the very ones who NEED it the most. 

I thought for days about what to do but it couldn't be something costly and it couldn't be something too over the top but it had to be something special - to match the feelings I was feeling deep inside.  So I came up with a "pun on words" and ran to the local dollar store for some stuff.  I filled a shiny, silver bag with items that had cute sayings to go along with them.  A few were a pair of silly sunglasses for "helping me see the bright side of things", soda pop for "giving me a boost to be the best version of me", a pom pom pen for "cheering me on when I was down," and a few others.  As you can see, I was feeling a bit awkward giving such wonderful thanks to someone who wasn't even my dearest friend.  Have I even considered doing this for those few people in my life who really ARE the boost, cheerleaders and sunglasses of my life?  Well, the answers is . . . .NO!

Now, don't get me wrong, this woman did deserve this praise and gratitude because we are RARELY recognized for the little things that we do that really matter in another person's life.  A simple smile can lightly someone's heavy load for the day.  A hug or listening ear can be all that someone needed, to have the strength to face a problem they felt they couldn't bare.  Or a simple chat, some random day, on a person's front lawn can help you feel you are not alone on this big scary earth.  This woman has done that for me on SEVERAL occasions over the past 6 years.  So did she "deserve" this gift and what better day to receive it than her birthday?  But that isn't the point I am trying to make.

The point that I am making is the very fact that I DON'T make an effort to APPRECIATE the people closest to me.  I do that because I have to keep them at arms length or else . . . or else . . . I am afraid I will literally shrivel up and die if they leave me!

That is the honest truth!

So, back to my secret . . . my dream.  How can I honestly, truly, be so selfish as to ask for this dream to come true when I have done nothing but be a miser with my love for the ones that will be most affected by this secret?  How can I?  I don't deserve it.  I haven't earn this privilege!  So how can I ask this of them? 

You are probably thinking, "Does this girl even have a clue?"  Yes, YES I do!  I do realize that we are a family and we are only as strong as the weakest link.  And yes, I DO understand that I am first Wendi, a daughter of God, second a wife and third a mother, my dreams matter too!  But how can I live with myself if I have done nothing but KEEP my love from them, then ask for this dream to come true and then NOT give them the love they are in need of me and also watch them struggle or suffer because of what this dream asks of them.  Do you know what I mean?  I am NOT in the practice of making promises I CAN'T keep.  I am also not comfortable with asking others to suffer for my sake!  So NO, I can't promise that if this dream were to come true that I would FINALLY allow myself to be loved and then in turn, openly love my family the way they need.  I can't and I won't do that to myself.  It is wrong and it never works.  I also don't know how I could have the strength to not BLAME MYSELF for any negative emotion or problems that might arise, if this dream were to come true.

So, now what do I do?

Well, that is why I can't share my secret with you at this time.  I have NO IDEA!  I do appreciate you taking the time to read this post.  But please know, I appreciate your respect and consideration of my feelings with these thoughts I am sending out into the big, scary but wonderful world.  I am only sharing this because I feel whole, complete doing this and I am hoping that it will start my trek to find my way to this desire.  That hopefully, one day and hopefully soon, I can dig deep enough to let my last stages of Kayleigh's death go and FINALLY accept that life is not something to be controlled but something to be experienced, the good and the not so good.

I love you all!

~ Wendi